Book of Klaus
The Book of Klaus is an ancient Icelandic tome in the deliberately over-the-top 2005 horror comedy movie Santa's Slay that reveals the peaceful yuletide festival Christmas (or this version of it) was the Day of Slaying itself and that the "saintly" present-giver Santa Clause who was never the cuddly old elf of legend everyone in the world thinks they know in the first place but rather the true and heinous son of The Devil, and he hold an impressive body count of 35 victims to his name during the said day's Christmas time in the film (this being a bare minimum, more may have occurred off-screen). According to the rather warped history of the "Santa's Slay" reality as recorded in the Book of Klaus which was first , the traditional Santa Clause legend is nothing more than a lie and Christmas itself was the time of year that Santa committed mass murder (likely as a way of desecrating an otherwise holy holiday) since and because of Santa, who never started as the jolly old Saint Nick every human on Earth foolishly believed, born on Christmas Day somewhere within the continent of Europe in the year 1005 A.D. as an ungodly Antichrist figure due being conceived of an accursed union between Satan and a mysterious mortal virgin named Erica, thus this day of his bloodlust was called the "Day of Slaying" (also known as "DagøfMor"). His birth would be detailed as one of the two immaculate conceptions in the entire human history, and he would the prophesied enemy of the holy prophet Jesus Christ, the son of God. People in Europe were praying to The Lord for an end to this ongoing series of unexplained deaths and fatalities until an archangel who is one of God's powerful generals of Heaven's army came down to Earth in the guise of an old man and on God's behalf, manages to beat Santa Clause in a curling match in the year 1065 A.D. As punishment for his crimes, Santa was sentenced into delivering toys to the people he had formerly butchered for a thousand years. Unfortunately this imprisonment was not very effective as it expired on the eve of 2005 A.D. - allowing the cold and treacherous Santa Clause, who is sick being both the sweet Kris Kringle of myth and even the "poster boy" for the Coca Cola soda brand, to go on a global bloody rampage and to vent his very hatred against children whose hearts he could no longer spread warm joy to, having had a thousand year rest from his true calling as a destroyer of peace and harbinger of death. Santa came back to the world but with his true nature as a bloodthirsty and naughty fiend rather than a friendly giver of presents. He jumps down through the chimney of the Mason family somewhere in the United States of America and kills them all one by one, stabbing Mr. Mason's hands to the table first, then utilizing dark magic and other fighting skills to overcome all the people. He kicks the family dog Scribbles carelessly, incinerates Virginia's hair and drowns her in eggnog, he smashes in Gwen's head with a table leg, and kills Gwen's boyfriend with a karate kick, and then he kills Beth by throwing a star at her back and suffocates Mr. Mason with a turkey leg. During 2005's Christmas season, Santa flies his airborne sleigh, driven by monstrous Hell-deer, towards a local community called Hell Township somewhere in the Alberta province of contemporary Canada and proceeds to slaughter its citizens in Christmas-themed methods, including thrusting a sharpened red-white candy cane into a greedy mugger's right eye while beating him up easily and tossing his now-lifeless body into a dumpster, burning down the Golddiggers strip club frequented by the adulterously crooked minister Pastor Timmons, engaging in and even stabbing the Heaven Sent deli's Jewish owner Mr. Green in the neck with his own menorah, before targeting one of Mr. Green's 2 favorite employees by the name Nicolas Yuleson as his next additional prey. Before becoming the next target of Santa's ongoing path of destruction on the following Christmas Eve, Nicolas talks that night with his eccentric grandfather, who hates Christmas, about why he always hated the festival, shows the boy an Icelandic tome in the Yuleson family's possession known as the Book of Klaus which details how Santa started life as the actual Antichrist. Upon arriving at the scene of Mr. Green's murder inside Heaven Sent Deli in the following Christmas morning, Nicholas was taken to the police station for questioning and was later being dismissed as crazy as his grandfather by the local possibly homosexual police chief Captain Caulk before being picked up from the police Station by his girlfriend and fellow Heaven Sent employee Mary "Mac" Mackenzie, just before Santa arrives and kills all of the officers including Caulk who unfortunately got electrocuted in the groin by tasers. Santa pursues them in a police car, but they are able to escape (thanks to a shotgun, left in Mac's truck by her gun-crazed father). They flee to Mr. Yuleson's bunker, with Santa still in pursuit. Nicholas and Mac manage to escape, hopped onto his grandpa's snowmobiles, but Grandpa is run over by Santa's "Hell-deer" and killed. The two teens hide from Santa in a local high school, hoping that Santa's powers will end when Christmas ends, but are eventually forced to confront him in the gymnasium. They are almost killed by Santa on a Zamboni but are saved by Nicholas' grandpa, who is actually the archangel by his real name "Helsgejt" that originally defeated Santa. With Christmas ended and his powers gone in spite of him cheating the second and final curling match against Helsgejt Yuleson, Santa flees in his sleigh but his "Hell-deer" was lured by Nicholas using Santa Clause's special whistling deer call and ultimately shot down by Mac's father with a bazooka. Pastor Timmons is found dead in a Santa suit and is presumed to be the killer, while in fact the real Santa Claus under his modern alias "Mr. Shatan" is boarding a flight from Winnipeg to the North Pole meaning that the Day of Slaying ("Christmas") which is never vanquished, simply comes but once a year as it always have been before. Gallery Book of Klaus.jpg|A chapter from the Book of Klaus depicting the union between The Devil and the mortal virgin Erica which led to the birth of Santa Clause. Bók av Klaus.jpg|A chapter from the Book of Klaus depicting a 11th century Icelandic church holding a Christ Mass. Klaus Book.jpg|A chapter from the Klaus Book (Book of Klaus) with an depicted illustration of the Hell-deer. Klaus Bók.jpg|The pages of the Klaus Bók (Book of Klaus) contains the written entirety of the dreaded Santa Clause saga. The Klaus Bók.jpg|A chapter from the Book of Klaus contains an illustrated prophetic depiction of Santa Clause attacking 2 men at the Gold Diggers strip club in the modern Canadian town of Hell Township. The Bók av Klaus.jpg|The Bók av Klaus, also known as the Book of Klaus. Santa Clause.jpg|Santa Clause The Day of Slaying.jpg|The Day of Slaying Category:Villainous Tools and Other Items Category:Contradictory Category:Dark Forms Category:Parody/Homage Category:Villainous Symbolism